by John McIntyre
Dear Asshole: Assholes of the decade edition
Hello my friends. It’s been an interesting decade, and it’s been full of jerks. Here are my brief letters to a few of them.
Dear Stephen Harper,
I assumed that when mad scientists created evil, soulless automatons with visions of world domination, that they would have given them nicer hair and at least a passing ability to smile like a human being. I guess they were more concerned with teaching them how to sing Beatles’ tunes.
He's trapped a poor balloonfish under that tasteful texas neck-tie. But seriously, Harper wants to bring the three strike rule to Canada, ie. you get caught with a joint three times and you're thrown in jail for life. If this asshole ever gets a majority I'm moving to Holland.
Dear Sarah Palin,
Thanks for supporting the Obama campaign! Palin-Beck 2012 baby!
Jesus do I want to slap that grin off her face. Who names a child with down syndrome "Trig?" And then uses him as leverage against free healthcare for poor people? She's the fucking anti-christ, and her family is like John and Kate plus rifles, retards and an uncomfortably close proximity to professional pornography.
Dear Catholic Church,
Electing Benedict as Pope was a short-sighted decision that’s issuing in a new, and very untimely, wave of conservatism. It’s leading to the repression of women (especially nuns, who are being investigated by the Vatican because some are refusing to wear robes and others are helping AIDS victims), the disaffection of priests and parishioners, and the alienation of the liberal majority that makes up the church. Rome is out of touch. You had the opportunity to elect the first ever black Pope, and he would have finally reversed your ridiculous stance on condoms and nearly instantly saved hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of lives. But nooo, “we’ve gotta stick with tradition and keep whitey in power like God, our grand dragon, wants.” Oh yeah, electing a Nazi is a much better idea. Light up the white smoke Bartholomew, the new Reich’s a-comin! Also, there’s the gays, women and abortion thing, but I don’t want to touch on anything controversial.
HAIL MARY FULL OF LIGHTNING MOTHA FUCKA! OOO-WAH-A-AH-AH!
Dear Israel,
Anti-zionism does not equal anti-Semitism. Give Gaza and the West Bank back. Quit evicting Palestinians from Jerusalem. Stop settlement building, and bam, brown people of all different shades and nose sizes holding hands and singing “we are the world.” Most of the extremism and terrorism of the last ten years, and consequently the backlash against Muslims, is a direct reaction to your hard-line, and ironically racist, policies. Ever think that maybe the best way to fight the endless waves of suicide bombers and radicals might be to cut off the fuel that keeps their rhetoric burning? You were in the shit before, now you’re the occupiers fucking with the little guy. There’s no justification for terrorism, but there’s no justification for stealing Palestinian homes either. *Cough.* Umm, dick dick, boner. Boobs.
Terrorists will never use this as fodder to recruit poor, easily influenced, barely educated teenagers looking for someone to blame for their shit life situations. Pointing guns at children is a wonderful way to stop terrorism.
Dear Strom Thurmond,
How’s hell? Are the queers keeping you entertained with their non-stop sodomy? Thank God you finally died, you segregationist prick. How screwed up is the U.S. that you were a senator until 2003 and never renounced your pro segregationist stance against the “nigra” race? Even after you had a little illegitimate “nigra” daughter of your own? And Trent Lott, another d-bag senator who spoke about supporting your 1948 presidential run (on the keep blackie down before the reefer-mad jazz musicians impregnate all our daughters ticket) was never voted out and didn’t resign until 2007!
Little missy Thurmand. That's some good-ole Kentucky-fried irony right there.
Dear Michael Bay and Stephen Spielberg,
Steve, you’re often blamed for ruining film by inventing the blockbuster and gearing Hollywood toward illiterate 14 year-olds with a penchant for dick jokes. Kind of true. I can’t really fault you for it, especially since I’m a 22-year old with a penchant for dick jokes. But you just couldn’t stop with Jaws. You and Lucas decided it’s better to whore yourselves out for a cash grab then to leave what would have been a great film legacy well enough alone. I mean Aliens? ALIENS?! It’s Indiana fucking Jones, not spaceman spiff you fuck. To use the cliche, Fonzi jumped the shark, Tom Cruise jumped the couch, and you sir, have nuked the fridge.
Mikey, you started out well. The Rock was awesome, and Bad Boys was at least watchable. But then you decided that “aww hell naw” and robot testicles were good substitutes for plot and character. Congratulations, you’re the patriarch of film making’s second generation of failure, and you helped create the climate that made Indiana Jones and the Geriatrics Who Need a Paycheque possible. You’re like a sick dog, eating shit to make yourself puke. And we, the ignorant masses, just keep returning to the trough to gobble down your regurgitated mess of defeat and Martin Lawrence.
Pictured – Puke Shit, with a side of Hitler mustache.
Dear evil Disney empire,
Hilary Duff, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers. I liked you better when you were corrupting children with overtly racist cartoons. Although I suppose the incredible whiteness of that auto tuned synth-pop crap is probably still racist somehow.
Geessum massa, them boysus pants sho' is paw-ful tight!
Dear Capitalism,
Adam Smith didn’t picture gigantic corporations when he was lobbying for the free hand of the market, he was talking about small, localized cottage industries, so all you fiscal conservative assholes can quit quoting him to justify lining your pockets. Capitalism only works on the small scale or when it’s heavily regulated, like it was in the U.S. from the 40s through to the start of the 80s. Then Reagan came along and started to deregulate it. Then Bush deregulated it further. Then Clinton teamed up with Arsenio Hall and used the market to create a secret platinum saxophone that dispenses blowjobs (or something like that, I was busy playing Duke Nukem in the 90s) and we all know what happened with W. The last twenty years has been a great era of short-sighted speculation, and we should have known that it would end where it did. The public watched a bubble burst and inflated it again, hoping that forcing more air in would prevent its explosion the second time around. The guys making money knew exactly what would happen. And it’ll happen again, because the market is still far less regulated then it has been at any time in the past. So bite on to the tail end of the recession everybody, I hope you like the taste of your own asshole. We’re all screwed until we wise up and stop putting shit on credit cards.
It's cyclical, get it?
Dear American Evangelical Christians,
Capitalism can’t work alone, it needs a bunch of self righteous, ignorant assholes to help push it along. Even if I exclude your douchiness and the damage you do on the small scale by ruining your own children, your lobbying and voting choices alone are enough to have majorly screwed up not just North America, but the whole goddamn world. I don’t know how incredible dickery to the poor and moronic allegiance to rich assholes has become so ingrained in Christianity, but it is and we’re fucked because of it. You share a huge chunk of guilt for the wars, the recession, the extremism going on in Europe and the Middle East, and the racism that’s building across the world because of that extremism. The clash of civilizations is largely your fault, and you’re too Goddamn stupid to realize that you’ve been on the wrong side of history for the last century. Christianity used to be a counter culture and for a long time large chunks of it were dedicated to doing good. Then a couple of dicks started building mega-churches and slapped their ball-sweat onto paper, writing books like “A Purpose Driven Life.” Your religion is like Scientology and the Catholic Church before it is nothing more than a way for rich white men to profit off of people’s guilt and stupidity. Thanks a lot fuckwads. You’re what the Mayans warned us about.
Oh kids, always so rambunctious and full of hate.
Dear Fox News (and all right wing media outlets, including Canadian ones),
And you spurred them on. You’re kind of the culmination of everything wrong on this list. Your pandering “journalism” is entirely motivated by money. You feed your audience what it wants to hear, try to give it a good scare and do your best to impose that great American belief that any fact or logical argument, no matter how iron clad, can be disproven as long as someone yells loud enough. Climate-gate is a great example. Despite near unanimous agreement among all researchers across the entire scientific community, despite piles of hard data that shows a distinct warming trend and despite the fact that the last decade is the warmest in the earth’s entire history, you’ve managed to convince millions of people (and 40 per cent of Canadians according to one non-scientific pole) that climate change isn’t real. Why? Because someone found a few emails between researchers that talked about how stupid climate change deniers are. Then you went out and found every nut and unqualified hack you could to support your theory—and misquoted as many real scientists as possible—all the while disregarding the statements from NASA, the UN, countless NGOs and think tanks, and the Federal governments of Canada, the US, Britain and several other countries.
"Yeah, 'Global warming.' Why don't you tree-huggers all go smoke some marijuana cigarettes while you drink vegan-lattes with all your communist boyfriends back in France? Fuckin' hippies. Where's the remote, I need to watch a 200 pound man put his hands on a 500 pound man's choda." (Denying global warming, calling gays evil and supporting the ability of insurance companies to cancel coverage whenever they want nets Beck about $23 million a year)
Dear Barry Bonds,
Don’t care if Michael Vick feeds teletubbies to dogs or TO is an all-round chipotle flavoured cock, you only earned your records because of steroids and you’ve helped make major league sports illegitimate. You’re like the Richard Nixon of pro athletes. Except worse—at least he was a great athlete bowler.
Paul Blart hates cheaters.
