Twilighting Other Films
Applying Twilight Logic to Other Film Archetypes by Matt Jones
If there’s one thing that the success of the Twilight series has shown us it’s that continuity and accepted lore mean absolutely nothing (see sunlight v. vampires: instant death or body glitter?). The only thing that matters is appealing to doe-eyed teens wearing too much eye shadow (and their girlfriends HA!). With that in mind, here are pitches for a couple of movies that would make millions of dollars while having absolutely no merit otherwise.
Raiders of the Lost Gap
Moody high school sweetheart Indiana Joan’s life is given purpose when a new, bigger and better Gap opens two towns over. OMG! Now Joan and her crew (which includes two skanks and an Asian kid, all of whom are stunning, ethereal beauties, naturally) must figure out a way to get there. Will it mean making a pact with the ugly and socially awkward nerds of the Warcraft cult (led by the perverted hentai fan Mola “C.D.” Rom)? Is getting to shop at the best store ever worth spending time with a bunch of mouth breathers who’ve never spoken to, much less touched a woman? Beneath their slobber and poor social graces, is there something redeeming about the nerds? No, there is not.
Starring Emma Roberts as Joan, Aly and AJ as the two skanks, Zac Efron as the Asian kid, Frankie Muniz as Mola Rom and Pamela Anderson as a horrifying glimpse into what these young, attractive girls might end up looking like someday.
Robocrop (VERY loosely based on a true story)
Amber was just a poor young trend follower, who dreamed of making out with various rock stars with haircuts that resemble Old Faithful. Following her tragic death in a car accident (caused by those no-good drunk driving jocks), Amber’s body is taken to the Adobe Institute for Useless Robotics. There she is rebuilt as a hot-pink human/Photoshop hybrid. Now she crops, filters, and adjusts tint with ease! Will making convincing Photoshops of herself making out with her beloved rockers be enough, or will she use her powers to take vengeance on the jocks and doctor photos of them in gay situations? It’s a moving story full of pain, pathos and people totally making out.
Starring Hayden Panettiere as Amber, Justin Long as the guy from Fall Out Boy, Ashton Kutcher as Brandon (the head jock) and Sir Christopher Lee as Dr. Aloysius Clowater of the Adobe Institute.
The Sweet Rave Party of Anne Frank
Poor Anne Frank. As she and her “family” (actually a clique of impossibly attractive high-school age teens) hide in the attic of a shop, equally attractive Nazis loom ominously in the streets. Can Anne hold the sweetest rave party ever while not attracting unwanted attention? Can the forbidden romance between Anne and the dreamy SS Captain Hermann Schaper ever blossom? And what will happen to the Nazis when the 5 Jewish teens combine their powers to call the Hasidic Hero Uber Mensch, the Glamorous Golem to save the day? One thing’s for sure, the Festival of Lights is going to SPARKLE.
Starring Lauren Conrad as Anne Frank, Wilmer Valderrama as Captain Shaper, Justin Timberlake as Uber Mensch, Shia LeBeouf as a young sexy Adolf Hitler and Jimmy Smitts as the shopkeeper with a heart of gold.
Pirates of the Carribean: Young Girl’s Chest
Pretty much exactly the same as the previous Pirates movies, but in this one no one actually does anything exciting. Instead, they longingly stare at each other and imply sexual tension.
Starring one Olsen twin as the titular Young Girl, the other as her evil twin (it doesn’t matter which).
Other films currently in production –
The Passionberry Lipgloss of the Christ
Finding Emo
Trannyformers
Batman Begins a Livejournal
See these exciting features at a theatre near you!
