Unfiltered Smoke

by Jody Coughlin

(Sorry, gentlemen, this one is for the ladies.)

It has been brought to my attention as of late, that when the winter months breeze through, the fairer sex begins to feel somewhat less desirable to their beloved counterparts as the bikinis and the summer dresses give way to parkas and toques, flannel pyjamas and the like. What is a gal to do? How can a snow bunny maintain her sex appeal beneath all the layers? It’s easy girls. It’s all about thinking outside the ice box, or the long-johns, in this case.

I, personally, don’t think ladies should ever, under any circumstance, sacrifice personal comfort (and in some cases, safety) in order to attract a man. Far better for the lady in question to use her head and not her-um-boobs, to get the guy, to keep the guy and to live happily ever after with the guy. But, that is just me. Fans of the Brazilian bikini wax or the breast implants? If that is the way you choose to roll, I salute you.

At the risk of giving away a little too much information about my au- natural self to all you readers out there, lets take a look at something a little more north of the border. Let’s talk about your brain and how you can use it to make that man of yours happy and healthy during the winter months, even under that down-filled, puff-ball snowsuit.

It is no secret that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I have never really tested this theory, but I do know that my husband (yup, I am married and have been for eight glorious years now) seems rather delighted when I cook up a good meal, which is not an everyday occurrence. I would be lying to you if I said it was.

One thing I do know though, is that on a cold December evening, nothing seems to put a smile on his face like a piping-hot helping of some freshly made apple crumble. It’s easy. All you do is slice some apples, mix in a little brown and white sugar, some oatmeal and cinnamon and a bit of flour, layer the mix on top of the apples and bake it at about 350 degrees for a half an hour or so and voila! Not only have you thrown a little extra heat around the room from running the oven for a while, you have filled the air with the sweet smell of freshly baked apples kissed with a hint of cinnamon.

What does this mean exactly? It means that your husband/boyfriend is all of a sudden overcome with the tantalizing scent of freshly baked goods, any man’s (or woman’s for that matter) weakness. His mind will become so distracted, overcome in an olfactory sense of the word, that they will be lost in a sea of confectionary bliss despite the cold that lurks just outside the kitchen door.

They will be day dreaming about cheery holiday get-togethers and what kind if Christmas tree might look good in the living room and suddenly, the focus is off the fact that you are wearing leisure pants, an old sweat shirt with kittens on it and a pair of socks so fluffy they give you an extra inch in height. No, that will not be the focus. The focus will be the food, the smell and the final pinnacle of flavour when the loved one in question finally eats the thing you just made.

Milk the attention for all it is worth, ladies. Splash a little four across your brow and wistfully wipe it away with the back of your hand upon the first bite. Sigh just a little, but smile. You will be a hero. Hijinks will most likely ensue in a very sexy way. Throw in a glass of red whine (or a beer) and you are golden. I suspect an event like this can buy you at least a week’s worth of attention from that special someone. Or at least a week’s worth of distraction…

Now it is time to think about attire. Yes. There is nothing sexy at all about a heavy winter coat, it’s true. But what a girl needs to exude here is a little confidence about her choice to make her personal comfort and health her first priority. As drab as a parka can be, there is also nothing sexy about a mini skirt in the dead of winter when the girl wearing that skirt is three shades of blue and shaking like the last dried up leaf that still clings to the maple tree in your grandfathers yard now is there? Of course not!

An ounce of confidence in your personal choice to dress appropriately in the cold weather is every bit as much an aphrodisiac as an entire plate full of oysters (which, they say, are powerful aphrodisiacs-but don’t ask me how sea-snots are sexy, I just don’t know). Your man will soon perceive you as the conquest not yet conquered, will he not? We all know men love the unattainable and nothing says unattainable like a coat zipped up to your eye- balls as long as your sporting that come hither look when you peak out over the fur trim. Am I right? Of course I am right.

Let’s not forget that winter is a perfect time to channel our inner librarian. Every man has a weakness for the sexy, booky type. Here I would suggest, to those of you who do not wear glasses, to head on down to your local Dollarama and pick up a pair of low strength reading glasses. On your way home stop by your local library and pick up a novel or two. Here is where you can promote a little self-care as well as spice things up at home. Are you feeling cerebral? Then ask the librarian to help you pick out something deep and powerful. Are you feeling a little dull in the libido? Romance novels abound. Pick three or four of them up and take them home. I guarantee they will perk your appetite even if they lack substance in literary terms.

Maybe you would like to learn something new like painting or photography. Pick up a do-it-yourself guide to a new hobby like these and impress that honey of yours with your acumen. Here is the key to any of these suggestions; wear your hair in a nice little up-do and tuck a pencil behind your ear while sporting the new spectacles as you read. That man of yours will be intrigued, I just know it. When things get a little steamy, reach up and undo the hair clip and let your hair cascade down around your shoulders. He’ll be putty in your learned hands. Those of you with short hair, I suggest maybe wrapping a shawl or a nice scarf around your shoulders to hide a rather low-cut blouse only to shrug it off at just about the same time as the hair would typically come down.

You see, the options are truly endless. Who said sex-appeal had to go hand in hand with revealing clothing typically worn in the warmer months? I say put the super-skirts away and give the man I your life a little something to be desired. Let their imagination run wild by not giving too much away. Winter is a perfect time to get creative.

In the end, though, if your relationship is unable to withstand the pressures that come with the typical Canadian lifestyle otherwise known as cold weather and the attire that comes with it, well, there may be a deeper problem. Let’s face it, ladies…We are all beautiful and it is not, let me stress should not, be about the clothes. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Yeah, I know, you’ve heard that a million times before. That is simply because it is true. You are beautiful. You are awesome. Never forget it. Zip up your coat, baby. It’s cold outside.