by John McIntyre
Hold on to ya’ butts, cause it’s Dear Asshole’s super special hipster edition. Please only laugh out of irony. You basterds.
Sam Jackson likes neither velociraptors nor people who stop listening to music once it becomes mainstream.
Dear hipsters,
Take off those giant, stupid-ass, goddamn horn-rimmed glasses. You look fucking ridiculous. Stop wearing long poofy dresses over tights, and why do you always need a scarf? Put on a damn t-shirt when it’s hot out (and not one that’s a faded add for cigarettes or says “Joe” or some other horseshit “ironic” one you bought at Value Village). Wilmer Valderrama is Rowdy Roddy Piper compared to you guys and girls who look like hungover extras kicked off the set of a Wham music video.
U.S. Senator Barry Goldwater. He can wear horn-rimmed glasses.
Why do you belong to a group of people that dress a specific way? Are you trying to say something? Nihilism isn’t a statement, it’s the religious equivalent of a chick fart—annoying and smelling of broccoli and old man.
Poot! Te-he!
Skinny jeans look retarded.
The Jonas Brothers are your fault. As is cancer.
Quit listening to Mariah Carey and Cindy Lauper. Liking something because it’s ironic isn’t funny, it isn’t witty, it’s miserable, unoriginal and stupid, like your haircut.
Pictured: Pitchfork's Editor in Chief aka Your Mom
Kanye West, mobsters and people over 65 can wear Fedoras. They make you look like a tool.
That’s Zac Efron. You’re dressing like purity ring wearing Disney child stars.
You dance with the grace of Desiree Jennings. Hopping up and down, shaking your pasty ass arms and spinning your hair around like an epileptic 5 year old on a sugar high isn’t a dance move, it’s a fucking iPod commercial.
Shakin’ it like a kid with palsy.
Your poetry sucks, you’ll never finish writing that novel and your understanding of Kafka is shallow at best. And seriously, what’s with the irony? That concept has been around since the dawn of human communication, why the hell are you so obsessed with it? If you like something terrible out of irony, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still fucking terrible.
Not these dudes. They’re radical. You don’t have to like them out of some bizarre sense of not liking them.
And stop stealing all the cool shit. I’ve been wearing a pair of tasteful, normal sized semi-horn rimmed sunglasses since I saw Reservoir Dogs in high school (What? Mr. Orange was a badass). Now I have to feel like a jackass because people associate them with you asshats (those last sentences have more ass then Rosie O’Donnell’s Tijuana Donkey Show. Yup, I just typed that). Well fuck that, I’m holding out. But you’re also encroaching on plaid, and that’s going too fucking far. And how the hell did regular Nintendo get associated with your shitty subculture? I love the Mario Brothers goddamn it, they’re fun for the whole family.
You’re worse than toad. Now stop co-opting my childhood.
Goddamn it I hate you. You make my entire generation look bad because you try so hard to embody that twenty-something malaise. You’re the whitest, most soulless, least original subculture ever created, and you fucking love The Hills after party show. And the worst part is, I know you’ll always be here. There’s always an annoying, just-off-the-mainstream group that loves to pretend to be detached from what general society is doing (even though you’re the fucking target demographic and your politics have all the substance of a Gap commercial). Hippies, goth, grunge, emo, everyone who was over 6 in the 80s, they’re always there and you’re just the slightly less original modern expression. That makes your existence all the more sad and pointless. And it makes me all the more pissed off, because whenever you get sick of looking like strung out Bob Dylans a more annoying group is going to come right along and replace you. Then, as so often happens, you’ll normalize, become middle aged and sit at home with your wife and kids, laughing at how ridiculous you looked in the olden days while drinking hyper-scotch and watching death row inmates attack each other with chainsaws on the holo-generator.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go binge drink and punch baby rabbits until all the bad feelings go away.
Pew pew pew indeed, boxer cat.
Dear John,
This is by far my favourite edition of dear asshole. You were so on the money and I laughed so hard that I literally pissed my pants… I’ll send you the dry-cleaning bill.
fantastic!
suck it, hipsters.
I love this. Thank you for articulating all of my passive disgust at these unfashionable-for-the-sake-of-fashion pseudo-hippie attention whore dirtbag fucks. What a tiresome fad… So much effort into looking like they don’t care what they look like… fucking clowns. I’m just glad to know I’m not alone.
You must have had all this bottled up inside you for a lonnng time.
Best DA yet.
P.s. there’s a difference between summer scarves and winter scarves. They are functional and amazing no matter what the season.
I love Reading Dear Asshole, this one by far is the best and it says all the things I’ve been dying to say.. but haven’t put into words yet.
Cheers!
down with hipsters.
So, to be clear: is it OK for me to like Ninja Turtles? I know they had many phases and some were reproachable but as a whole am I being shunned?
Hey thanks everyone, glad you liked it. Sorry about the pants Isaac, just take the bill out of my expense account. I do get one writing for this site right? A couple of barrel chested sex shop owners are going to be taking some very hard pieces of led pipe to my shins if that cheque bounces.
And yes, the article is very much pro ninja-turtle.
Where do I start?
1) Your article is full of spelling errors, making it look like it was written by a 14-yr-old. “Basterd”? It is unprofessional, even in a comedy piece, and should be avoided.
2) Much of the humor consists of you pointing out some stale and overdone observation about hipsters that you don’t like, with some swearing mixed in.
Saying fuck over and over isn’t original, or funny. Unique observations and novel takes on overdone topics are where comedy gold lies.
For what it’s worth, I appreciate your effort, and hope you keep working on your craft. But you came to the forum looking for feedback from us, so there you go, my honest opinion.
-A Cracked writer.
*Ahem
Let me start by saying that I welcome criticism from everyone, and that I love having discussions in the comments section (as you can tell from #4). That being said, I’m going to give it to this guy ’cause he’s clearly an asshole.
Firstly, I misspelled bastards on purpose. Don’t know why, just did it for myself I guess. Don’t care if it makes me look unprofessional, I write this column in my spare time because I enjoy it, not because I’m trying to please people, and I don’t know how that one intentional misspelling makes the article “full of spelling errors.”
Secondly, I wasn’t just “saying fuck over and over again,” that’s a load of horseshit, and that’s the easiest and most simple minded criticism anyone can give a column like this.
And finally, I didn’t ask for your or anyone else’s advice, and I didn’t come to your forum looking for feedback. I did post a link to this on the “mirth canal” section of the Cracked forms (I intentionally didn’t post it in the writers section because, again, I wasn’t looking for feedback), just like I posted it on Reddit, Stumbleupon and Digg. I’m trying to generate hits for the website and get people reading my work, I’m not looking for criticism from some asshole internet troll (although I do welcome it when it doesn’t come with such a smug air of superiority, oh holy “Cracked Writer”).
And who the hell signs their post “A Cracked writer?” There aren’t any Cracked columnists or editors named Bob, and if there were I don’t think they’d be douchebaggy enough to sign their posts like that. Throwing up a few craptions and posting on a forum doesn’t make you a writer, and posting unsolicited and radically critical advice just makes you a troll. So I’ll end this post with a nice, hearty, Fuck You.
Hey Bob,
I like how you come off as though you think being a writer for Cracked.com elevates you to Richard Pryor status. I also like how you’re so generous that when you’re not knee deep in the oceans of mirth, digging for comedy gold, you take time to help the little people out by offering them useless, mean, holier than thou advice that makes you sound like a highly decorated ass captain.
-Creator of Mad Magazine
Dear Bob,
Your comment is full of spelling errors. You clearly wrote “A Cracked writer” when you, quite obviously, meant to write “A hack writer.” I would now like to point at your comment and say that it is, ahem, “Stupid fucking garbage, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Although, I do appreciate that you wish to enlighten this John McIntyre (by the way, first time reader, and excited to continue reading in the future) with your journalistic expertise, but in my honest opinion, you are a self-righteous douche.
-an unpublished writer who is not afraid to admit he is a hack with little experience
Meh, let the flaming end. It’s not the Ninja Turtle way.
I think I can die happy now that the comments contain the phrases “highly decorated ass captain” and “stupid fucking garbage, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Awesome.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
You “welcome criticism from everyone”, yet try to actively discourage a forum of comedic writers and purveyors from doing so, after shilling your site on it:
http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=57466.msg1329913#msg1329913
Give me a break. You don’t appreciate feedback or constructive criticism at all. You only want to see people fawning over how great your shit is and tell you that you are a funny and unique little snowflake.
Instead of trying to address the criticism in a constructive manner, you decided to attack. Again, very professional of you.
If you post your shit on the web, then solicit visits from people on other sites, you can expect it to be criticized. If you can’t take criticism, then you need to either grow a pair, or stop asking people to click your link.
It’s probably the funniest thing you’ve ever seen because you spend most of your time on cracked.com…ohhhh!
But seriously folks, this arguement is getting petty and lame. Not the ninja turtle way indeed.
Once again buddy, I don’t care about what you guys on the cracked forums have to say. I made it clear that I posted there to generate hits, and that’s all I said on the forum, I wasn’t actively discouraging anything.
I’ve got no problem with criticism and I’ve dealt with my fair share of it before, although generally from more interesting and intelligent points of view.
And shut up about professionalism, I know what it is.
Once again, excellent piece, McIntyre.
Your work is a flavour that may not appease everyone, but there comes a time when pre-fab, cookie cutter, ball-less substance just doesn’t cut it anymore. If I wanted bubble-wrapped opinions I’d read the local news paper. Thanks for the treats.
Bob, do yourself a solid and expose yourself to something new- with a little more bite than you’re used to. It does the mind and body good sometimes- hope to see you reading #6
As much as I love to diss on hipsters and this new subculture of over-privileged music nerds who dress like broke-ass punks or hip-hop hippies, I have to say that reading this was by far the least stimulating thing I have read all day. Actually, I’m pretty sure that your definition of what a hipster is greatly differs from that made by the rest of the world; I think you have real beer-swigging, art-(pretend)-loving, ultra-fashion-conscious hipsters mixed up with… well, the rest of the world who only tries to cop that image.
I suggest reading this recent article on hipster-dom by Adbusters: https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html
So before you copy down all the latest hipster gossip from the bathroom stalls of the Capital Complex and pass it off as an article deserving of postage on UnSmo, I encourage you to travel outside of the Maritimes and see what really hipsters are like. Even easier, pick up an issue of VICE or JUXTAPOSE. Because I for one think you have it all wrong, and this coupled with the fact that you write like an angry teenager on a WoW forum makes for an embarrassing entry into an otherwise brilliant blog.
wait, you mean kids are worried about being cool? When did that happen? I didn’t realize there weren’t other subcultures in the world to pick up the slack from several thousand apathetic youths! Now that I know, I’ll start calling everyone a hipster without knowing what it means, or knowing them! I’m white, and am wearing a pair of Vans, and like music–so, because i enjoy canvas shoes and independent tunes, i guess i can’t contribute anything to, well, anything–and shit, since I can’t, no one else can either!