Unfiltered Smoke

by Isaac Thompson

There sure are a lot of horror movies out there. They range from fantastic, to fair, to fucking awful, but I’ve watched most of them. I’ve watched them so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

What follows is a list of my favourite horror movies of all time, ones that, in my estimation, deliver the goods. This is a 10 part series that I will be posting over then next month or so, each one focusing on a different sub-genre of horror films.

If you’re a casual horror fan who only really bothers to see horror flicks once in a while, like around Halloween for instance (which is, conveniently enough, right around the corner) and you’ve gone to the video store to get a scary movie and whatever shitty “Saw” sequel you were planning on renting is out, maybe you’ll consider one of these movies.

or if you’re a horror fiend like me, perhaps you would like to compile your own list in the comment section. You can tell me how and why I went wrong. There are tons of great horror movies and I’m bound to have left a few gems off my lists. However, this isn’t a list of the most important horror movies, but a list of my personal favourites, and we all know there’s no accounting for taste… right, Twilight fans?

Top Ten List # 1/10 : Top Ten Slasher Movies:

Slasher Movie 101:

- Most Slasher movies feature a virginal, goody-goody heroine who survives until the end and then kills the villain. She is known as the “final girl” (see picture above).

- Other Slasher conventions: a group of young people are isolated from adults to engage in sex, drug use and other sinful activities. They are stalked and killed one by one. Plot and character development are often secondary, behind sex and inventive gore.

- Common themes include emphases on bodily harm, male-upon-female voyeurism, gender confusion, sexual perversion, the spectacle of murder, the efficacy of female self-defense, the substitution of violent killing for sexual gratification, and the inability of traditional authority figures to eliminate a communal threat.

- Well known film critic Roger Ebert coined the phrase “Dead teenager movie” in reference to the genre. He didn’t mean it to be complimentary, but horror fans have since adopted it as a term of endearment.

- There has been a Slasher movie made for pretty much every holiday.

# 10. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

[2006]

Starring: Nathan Baesel, Robert Englund and Angela Goethals.

Written by:Scott Glosserman and David J. Stieve

Directed by: Scott Glosserman

What it’s about: It’s the story of Leslie Vernon, a young man who is preparing to be the next Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. He has it all, the tragic back story, the cool mask, the arsenal of hand held stabby weapons, he even has his group of walking-stereotype-teen victims picked out. The stage is set and Vernon prepares for the night he kills them all. Behind the Mask is shot in a mockumentary style and the gimick works well for the movie. Leslie Vernon gives us the inside scoop as he brings a documentary crew to film his training and his slaughter. Yeah, pretty cool concept right?

Why it’s good: Mixing horror and comedy are a like mixing alcohol and office parties; if mixed together properly they can be terrific fun, but if you aren’t careful the results can be an embarrassment. The general rule of thumb for horror comedies is if they treat the subject they are poking fun at with respect they will be good. If the threat is laughable… well, we’ve all seen Twilight… wait, that wasn’t supposed to be a comedy?

Behind the mask is an example of a horror/comedy done proper. The movie is well written and well acted and one of the most original takes on the Slasher genre I’d seen since “Scream”. Like “Scream”, BTM has heaps of cute horror movie jokes and references. But in some ways, it explores the genre even further than “Scream” did. The final reel of the film does go into more typical Slasher stuff, but I don’t mind that so much because that’s what I’m paying to see!

Don’t just take my word for it, here’s the trailer:

# 9. The Burning

[1981]

Starring: Brian Matthews, Jason Alexander, Leah Ayres and Holly Hunter

Written by:Peter Lawrence, Bob Weinstein, Tony Maylam and Brad Grey

Directed by:Tony Maylam

What it’s about: Rick Wakeman is the camp counsellor from hell. After a prank gone wrong (I blame Ashton Kutcher) he is left horribly burned and disfigured. Years later, Rick does what any of us would do in his situation; he returns to the scene of the accident to go on a killing spree using garden sheers.

Why it’s good: The Burning plays out like Slasher-by-numbers and that’s precisely why it’s so damn enjoyable. Make-up Maestro Tom Savini delivers the gory goods (Wait till you see the infamous canoe scene!). You get tons of good looking teenagers having sex, doing drugs and getting murdered. That’s pretty much what Slasher movies are all about. Plus as an added bonus, you get a young Jason Alexander (George Costanza from T.V.’s Seinfeld) showing off his full head of hair and the acting chops that took him to the top! There’s even a Seinfeld episode named after this movie.

The trailer for this one is awesome. If you saw “Grindhouse” in theatres this might remind you of Edgar Wright’s hilarious “Don’t” trailer.

# 8. Hostel

[2005]

Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson and Eyþór Guðjónsson

Written and Directed by: Eli Roth

What it’s about: A couple of douche-baggy American backpackers travel to a hostel in Slovakia after hearing stories of how horny the women there are for American douche-bags. These douchey Americans get more than they bargained for…unless what they bargained for was being tortured by wealthy business men at a murder vacation retreat…If that’s the case, they got exactly what they bargained for.

Why it’s good: Hostel is one Slasher flick I like more with every viewing. The director, Eli Roth (Who you might have seen kicking ass with a baseball bat as “The Bear Jew” in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds) is a man who respects the Slasher genre and puts much more thought into it than most think it deserves. Hostel is a tense, moody film, but it’s also a lot of fun. Roth purposely depicts his locations inaccurately, turning them into wastelands of abandoned factories and renegade children gangs. Some Slovakian groups publicly complained about this portrayal, but Roth did this as a commentary on American’s ignorance of the rest of the world. To drive this point further, the soundtrack consists of Slovakian pop hit from 20 years ago… Not that any of you ignorant westerners would have noticed.

It’s the premise that really sets Hostel apart from the rest of the Slice-N’-Dice-cinema world. The commentary on modern business and white-collar sociopaths is haunting. What the rich businessmen in the movie are paying to do isn’t that far off from the global sex-trades that have made their way into the headlines, and that’s extra scary.

Hostel is a slow burn, but once the blood starts flowing it is unnerving, gripping and relentless….it’s also really fucking gross. I’ve seen a lot of gory movies and this one makes me squirm every time.

Hey, look! It’s the trailer!

# 7. Child’s Play

[1988]

Starring: Chris Sarandon,Catherine Hicks
Alex Vincent and Brad Dourif

Written by: Don Mancini, John Lafia and Tom Holland

Directed by: Tom Holland

What it’s about: All young Andy wants for his birthday is a “Good Guy Doll”, his mother buys one in a back alley off of a homeless guy. Andy is ecstatic until he finds out his new doll “Chucky” is alive and evil and super pissed.

Why it’s good: First of all Brad Dorif rules, he’s one of the best actors ever and he kicks ass 100% of the time. In this movie he’s the voice of Chucky, the killer doll. Do I even need to tell you why this movie is great?

Ok, here are a few more reasons this movie is worth watching (or re-watching); the script is very smart for a movie about an evil toy, Andy’s relationship with his mother and his new best friend Chucky are exceptionally well done. The scares are effective and directed with skill. Also, Brad Dorif is in it.

This trailer makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Ah, the 80’s

# 6. Scream

[1996]

Starring:David Arquette, Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, Matthew Lillard, Rose McGowan, Skeet Ulrich and Drew Barrymore

Written by:Kevin Williamson

Directed by:Wes Craven

What it’s about: Someone obsessed with horror movies (It isn’t me, I swear!) is stalking and murdering teens in the town of Woodsboro. No one knows who the killer is, but he or she has an annoying habit of grilling their victim with lame horror movie trivia…I swear it’s not me.

Why it’s good: Scream gave the genre the shot in the arm it needed. Sure it paved the way for half a decade of neutered PG-13 Slasher flicks full of self aware, ironic smartasses, but now that the dust has cleared and Party of Five has gone off the air, Scream has proven itself as a worthy addition to the genre. It’s one of the best Who-Done-It stories out there. It has a great ending. One of the most wholly satisfying horror movies there is.

Check out this trailer and prepare yourself for my top five!

# 5. Hatchet

[2006]

Starring: Joel Moore, Tamara Feldman, and Kane Hodder.

Written and Directed by: Adam Green

What it’s about: A couple of young whippersnappers vacationing in New Orleans decide to ditch the seemingly fantastic Mardi Gras celebrations in favour of a haunted swamp tour. The tour takes an unplanned detour and the tourists learn of the terrifying legend of Victor Crowley. As you might have guessed, Victor Crowley is a big ugly dude who likes to murder people in disgusting yet inventive ways. He’s very real and got him some killin’ to do.

Yes, you read that right. This is the one Slasher movie where young people get hacked to pieces because they avoided sex and drugs.

Why it’s good: Hatchet is a big bowl of Awesome. It is written and directed with such spirit and enthusiasm it is impossible not to have a great time watching it. It doesn’t concern itself with much more than scaring your pants off and lodging its foot in your ass.

Victor Crowley is a great Slasher villain and he’s played perfectly by Kane Hodder (Jason in Friday the 13th parts 7-10). He runs around with a hatchet (or various power tool) twitching and screaming as he kills. And when I say Victor Crowley kills people, I mean he Kills people. The kills in this flick are some of the most over the top, disgusting and bloody kills you’ll find. On top of that the movie has a great sense of humour and more than a couple loving nods to the genre, including bit parts by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and Tony Todd (Candyman). Just writing this review makes me want to watch Hatchet again.

Even the trailer kicks ass! And we all know how shitty most modern-day movie trailers are.

# 4. High Tension

[2003]

Starring: Cécile de France and Maïwenn Le Besco

Written by: Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur

Directed by: Alexandre Aja

What it’s about: High Tension is a French horror film, (known as Haute Tension in France, Switchblade Romance in the UK and High Tension in North America) about two female college students, Alex and Marie. The two girls use their time off to visit Marie’s parents in their beautiful country house. That night while Marie’s family sleeps peacefully, the doorbell rings. What follows is an unnerving, gut-wrenching movie experience.

Why it’s good: Holy Lord this movie is intense! Now, it does have its drawbacks; the ending is completely idiotic, and the entire plot (save the stupid-ass ending) was plagiarized. At least they stole from great source material, (Dean Koontz’s novel “Intensity”) but still, that’s pretty lame.

Anyway, before you think I don’t frackin’ love this movie let me reiterate my earlier point; This movie is intense! Like, edge of your seat, jaw on the floor, eyeballs popping out your head intense. Even though the ending sucks, (I won’t ruin it for you here, but trust me, it sucks.) the rest of the movie is so unrelenting it more than makes up for it. The first 2/3rds of the movie is a revelation. Its combination of gore and splatter with tension and suspense is brilliant. If Hitchcock made a Friday the 13th movie and then handed it over to M. Night Shyamalan to film the ending you would have High Tension.

Hope you’ve brushed up on your French, because I refuse to post the dubbed American Trailer.

# 3. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter

[1984]

Starring: Corey Feldman, Kimberly Beck, Erich Anderson and Ted White

Written by: Barney Cohen

Directed by: Joseph Zito

What it’s about: Here it is, Friday the 13th, the final chapter…well sorta, so far there have been 12 Friday the 13th films, with another one, the sequel to the remake, in production. But, this is the film where they first killed Jason off. He’s replaced by a lame copycat killer in part 5 and then returns from the dead and becomes an unstoppable zombie in part 6. Beyond that, I’m sure you all know the basic concept of the Friday series (Young people go to Camp Crystal Lake so they can bump uglies, smoke the pot, and get murdered by Jason Voorhees.) and if you don’t you should be ashamed of yourself.

Why it’s good: If you’re at all interested in understanding the genre, the entire Friday series is essential viewing and this one is a great place to start as it’s one of the best of the series. Jason is scarier and more unstoppable in this entry than any of the ones before it. His death scene is a masterpiece in cinematic splatter. It’s disgusting and inventive, the movie really brings it in every way. Make-up master Tom Savini, is the Michelangelo of gore and Friday 4 is his Sistine Chapel.

On top of that, this movie is preciously 80’s. Is it just me or are the teenagers in 80’s movies ten times more tolerable than the teenagers in modern movies? Either way, I didn’t find the kids in this one as obnoxious as the kids in the newer entries. It helps make a movie scarier if you aren’t rooting for the character’s deaths…of course, this is a Friday movie, so you end up rooting for the characters to die anyway.

I’m a big fan of the Friday the 13th movies. They’re all totally stupid but a lot of fun. If you’ve never watched a Jason movie, (which I would be shocked to hear) I recommend starting with this one.

Ki…Ki….Ki…Ma…Ma….Ma…

# 2. A Nightmare on Elm Street

[1984]

Starring: John Saxon, Ronee Blakley, Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp and Robert Englund

Written and Directed by: Wes Craven

What it’s about: Deceased child-killer Fred Krueger is haunting the children of Elm Street’s dreams. When he kills them in their dreams they die for real and if you’ve never heard of Freddy Krueger you are a caveman who has just recently been thawed out of a giant block of ice. You’ve probably escaped some sort of laboratory, wandered into suburbia, broken into someone’s home and figured out how to turn on their computer and log onto the internet. So I’ll let it slide.

Why it’s good: a Nightmare on Elm Street is one of the most original horror films of the 1980’s. None of the 8 Freddy Krueger movies matched this one. Freddy eventually became so well known he was about as scary as a Stephanie Meyer novel, but in the original he means business.

The story is timeless, the acting is great, the script is smart and layered. With this movie, Wes Craven laid down the framework for a horror legend. The ideas he presented with this movie would prove to have legs, with a stride as wide as classics like Frankenstein and Dracula. Nothing that came before it is quite like it and countless horror film after it bore it’s influence.

A Nightmare on Elm Street lives up to its hype. The imaginative dream sequences, the boiler room, the disconnect between the parents and their children, Freddy’s claw-glove; everything about this movie is iconic and deservedly so. Wes Craven was so on the ball with ANOES that he gave Johnny Depp his first film role. I’m sure Craven did this knowing full well that Depp would become the hugest movie star in the world. That’s right, Wes Craven is psychic.

Further proof that 80’s trailers are the bee’s knees.

# 1. Halloween

[1978]

Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis and Nick Castle.

Written by: John Carpenter and Debra Hill

Directed by: John Carpenter

What it’s about: Michael Myers is pure evil, and ‘”The Love Guru” is proof! But this movie isn’t about that Michael Myers, It’s about another Michael Myers, one who gets his evil kicks out of murdering people instead of broad comedy films full of fart jokes (seriously Mike Myers, I deem you no longer funny). As a child Michael Myers kills his sister and is carted off to a mental institution. He grows up to become a huge, mute killing machine. He wastes no time breaking out of the institution and returns home to continue his murderous rampage.

Why it’s good: Horror nerds have debated endlessly about which movie holds the title of first ever Slasher film. Some say Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho” (1960) or Tobe Hooper’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974), but neither of them are true Slasher films. Many consider Bob Clark’s “Black Christmas” (1974) the first Slasher film, and they make a good case, but it is “Halloween” that cemented the genre’s rules and brought the dead teenager movie to the masses. It was such a mammoth hit that it inspired countless imitators, kick-starting what is now known as the golden age of Slasher films. Not only is it the first Slasher film, it’s easily the best.

Michael Myers is the perfect Slasher movie villain, so perfect he single-handedly set the template; he’s silent, lumbering, huge and powerful, unstoppable, and totally insane. He prefers to do his killing at close range with his hands or a knife, and he prefers killing oversexed, amoral teenagers. In fact, every Slasher villain since “Halloween” has essentially been Michael Myers in a different mask, including Jason Voorhees.

Halloween is an expertly crafted suspense film. It has a lot of great scares and a slow but precise tension. Halloween is the closest to art that a Slasher movie has ventured. So much has been written about it. Even the snootiest of critics who feel horror movies are beneath them think that “Halloween” is a fucking sweet movie. From start to finish it is about as perfect as a horror movie gets.

Thank God for John Carpenter.

Special thanks to Laurel Green and Katelin Dean for helping with the photography and photoshoping.