by John McIntyre
ed. note: The following is a new column to run weekly…hopefully. John McIntyre channels rage and unloads on whatever is pissing him off at the moment. Enjoy!
Dear girl on the subway,
The amount of money you paid for the collagen in your lips could have probably fed an African village for months. Racist.
How does the baby Jesus let people like this exist?
Dear drunk girls I occasionally overhear on the streetcar,
Stop saying “like” all the damn time. There hasn’t been a new Captain Planet for
over a decade and the 90s are long dead. Learn how to speak.
The tamest picture from a google image search for “drunk girls”
Dear Dee Snider,
You have no right to get that excited about bad hair metal that should have been pulled off the shleves years ago. Also, a Twisted Christmas is just carols written to the tune of We’re not gonna take it.
Rawr.
Dear Matt Groening,
Quit raping the cash cow and end the Goddamn Simpsons before it loses any more dignity. Season 11, that was a good time to bow out.
Now Willy can move in with the Simpsons! Man that’s whacky!
Dear Wachowski brothers,
Slo-mo goth nipple twist scene. Think you jumped the shark?
Eeeeeeeeeehhhh
Dear Kanye West,
Thank you so much for being such a dick at the MTV movie awards, you have finally, once and for all, proven that you truly are a gay fish. Also, I love how popular you are with douchebag white frat boys, says a lot about the quality and originality of your music.
He and the girl from the subway would make a nice couple.
Dear Taylor Swift,
It’s a bullshit award for a bullshit video and you had nothing to do with the creative process except for being told where to stand and what to lipsync. You didn’t earn a goddamn thing so fuck you, fuck you sideways.
Boo-fucking-hoo.
Dear MTV awards,
You are a terrible celebration of everything wrong with the music industry today, a ridiculous party for no-talent hacks who were elevated to stardom because they fit into some fat ass executive’s idea of what tweens want to listen to. You make a Daytime Emmy look like the Nobel Peace Prize.
Bull. Shit.
Dear people who watch the MTV awards,
You suck. You really, really fucking suck.
Hey honey, let’s passively support the gradual decay of society.
Dear Toronto drivers,
Chill the fuck out!
In a perfect world.
Dear apples,
You’re always there for me. Yum.
Mmm-mmm *bellyrub*.
Mmmm apples ^.^
apples are always there for me too
Ha ha ha ha ha. You are a riot, except that Taylor Swift writes and sings her own material (no lip synching there either), so on that one you don’t know what the hell you are writing about.